So just when we thought 2020 was the year of massively insane chaos and weirdness, 2022 was all like “hold my beer.” From skyrocketing inflation and plummeting stocks to record-high gas prices and brutal war in Ukraine, we’re also still living with the remnants of Covid and, worse yet, have a new plague to contend with. We’re referring to that hilariously sounding disease called monkeypox.
Although not anywhere on par with Covid-19 in terms of community spread and the possibility of death, it’s still a lingering threat. So far, the outbreak is being contained — but what worries many epidemiologists is what happens next despite the fact that only one case of the virus has so far been identified in the U.S. But if we’ve learned anything from Covid-19, it’s probably not best to underestimate a fatal and contagious disease — like, say, calling it a hoax.
Even though monkeypox has a typical pattern of spread in central and western Africa, where people are mainly infected by animals like wild rodents and primates, and outbreaks have not spilled across borders, the disease is affecting western countries much differently. It seems the disease is spread more quickly when one comes in close sexual contact with another who has it. So yeah, it’s basically no different than most common STIs, which will just add even more red flags to your Tinder matches.
But in reality, monkeypox is still better than Covid. Here’s why.
Cover Photo: Sabina Falsini / EyeEm (Getty Images)
6 ways monkeypox better plague
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1. No face masks necessary.
Unless you had some sort of doctor kink, nobody willingly enjoyed putting on N95 masks and other PPE just to get a sixer from a liquor store, especially during warmer months. Luckily, monkeypox cannot be spread through the air so there's no need for facemasks to thwart it...unless you really want to piss off some maskholes.
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2. The name rocks.
If you're going to be a fatal and contagious disease that kills millions and shuts down the global economy, at least have a funny sounding name. Although monkeypox is not at the threat level of Covid, it has a far funnier and likable name. It almost sounds like you'll become a monkey or something if you get it and that's freaking hilarious.
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3. Forget social distancing...unless you're naked?
While many of us didn't like being around groups of stupid humans in the first place and thus didn't mind the socially distancing that came with Covid, monkeypox is not going to make you stand six feet apart from strangers or follow those weird pieces of tape in grocery stores. But since it might be spread through sexual contact, you still need to be selective about who you get naked with.
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4. It's less contagious.
Even if Covid was a very contagious and airborne disease, monkeypox is not going to start spreading like wildfire anytime soon. That doesn't mean you should start exchanging bodily fluids with anyone so willy-nilly just yet, but the threat level of transmission is very low compared to Covid-19.
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5. No lockdowns forthcoming.
One of the worst things about Covid was all the lockdowns and shelter-in-place orders, resulting in millions of Americans binging the same fucking shows on Netflix. But that's not the case with monkeypox, which means you'll be able to just binge your favorite shows in normal fashion and eat your favorite junk food in moderate portions (ha!).
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6. We already have vaccines for it.
The scariest thing about Covid-19 was that it was a novel disease and one for which there wasn't a readily available vaccine to stymie its spread and virulence. But with monkeypox, the smallpox vaccine is effective in fighting it. So get ready for the anti-vaxxers to up their conspiracy game.
