“The Osbournes” are coming back, whether you like it or not. I hope you’ve missed seeing their seventy billion dogs barf and shit all over their fancy rugs while Mumbles McDoom shuffles his way through a subtitled luxury-metal existence, because you’re about to get it crammed down your throats once more.
Matriarchal whip-cracker Sharon Osbourne has announced that the Osbourne family is in final talks to shoot a limited number of episodes for a new season of the pathetically laughable reality series, making a new home for itself on VH1. Because MTV is now akin to a hostile Doritos-orange alien planet where it rains Axe body spray year-round and hordes of malformed troglodyte monsters wade through bubbling pools of chlamydia to clean their scaly hides.
Osbourne’s announcement indicates that the family will be involved in roughly six to eight episodes, and though Jack an Kelly are out living lives on their own, we’ll be seeing them on the reg. As of publishing time, no promises have been made on whether the two will each regain the puberty pudge and attack each other at every opportunity, for nostalgia’s sake.
Apparently we have Ozzy to thank for the show’s return.“It was all my husband’s doing because he looked back on his life and he said, ‘I wish we could have done The Osbournes now where I am clean and sober,’” Sharon shared. “So much to talk about… Ozzy is coming up with his last tour with Black Sabbath.”
…and there’s your big reveal, kids. Nobody’s buying records, and Black Sabbath is a beloved but faded brand. It needs support beams, guaranteed pillars of interest. The last record was good, but Sabbath aint gonna headline the big festivals anymore. A final hurrah promotional campaign will undoubtedly include “The Osbournes” as a key megaphone.
While a deal is reportedly near, no official premiere date has yet been announced. The family expects to start shooting in January.
