Everything is super expensive right now and nothing is good. Now that we’ve mostly contained Covid and learned to live with it, we can finally go out and pretend to enjoy people again. Oh, but that’s not possible when we have to take out a mortgage to fill up our car’s tank due to insane gas prices.
Indeed, the cost of gas is at an all-time high as the oil companies do anything and everything to gouge us until they’re replaced by electric vehicles. And since nobody in Washington cares about accountability or facts, the two parties just go back and forth blaming each other.
President Biden and some Democrats in Congress have at least tried to call out the greedy oil companies for gouging, whereas right-wingers just scream at Brandon for making them pay to drive their lifted big boy trucks. Sure, the Consumer Price Index is at a 40-year high, but then corporate profits, especially big oil, are also at a 50-year high.
We’re well aware of the alternative fuel sources to using the internal combustion engine. For example, hybrid and electric cars. But since Teslas are still way too pricey and nobody really wants to drive a stupid Toyota Prius, there’s got to be some ingenious alternatives to paying crazy gas prices, right? We shouldn’t have to choose between looking like a smug dork in a Toyota Prius or a smug douche in a Tesla. We here at Mandatory have come up with some pretty freaking ingenious alternatives to use until gas prices go down.
Cover Photo: John M Lund Photography Inc (Getty Images)
8 Ingenious Fuel Alternatives
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1. MAGA Caps
This may sound unusual, but these things are basically like the caps that feature the losing Super Bowl team. So why not find a way to convert them into a fuel source?
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2. Nickelback CDs
Ever since the proliferation of digital streaming, CDs are all but obsolete. But for those who actually still use them, can you think of anything more worth melting down than a Nickelback CD?
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3. Plastic Bags
Interestingly enough, plastic bags contain oil derivatives. And with many states now banning the use of single-use plastic bags, why not dump that drawer of them into your fuel tank?
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4. Jolt Cola
Perhaps some of you Zoomers are too young to know what Jolt cola is, but let us just tell you that the stuff could take the chrome off a bumper. This stuff made Red Bull look like Aquafina, so what better way to fuel your cars than with Jolt cola?
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5. Ted Cruz's Hair Gel
Republican Senator Ted Cruz happens to be slimy on both the inside and outside. Surely his hair brush contains enough oil to fuel an entire truck fleet. So why not use Ted Cruz's hair gel as a alternative fuel source?
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6. Garbage
Now, while Nickelback CDs may already qualify as garbage, we're certain that Americans would love nothing more than to watch all their Grub Hub refuse be used as a fuel source.
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7. Schlitz Beer
Oh man, for those of you fortunate enough to never have tasted the foulness that is Schlitz beer, consider yourselves quite lucky. Once a famous brew native to Milwaukee, the owners sold the brand to the Stroh Brewery Co. in Detroit in 1982, which eventually sold some of its lines to Pabst. It's undrinkable, but could definitely serve as an alternative fuel.
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8. Taco Bell Food
The food at Taco Bell is not safe for human consumption, but it might make for a fantastic alternative fuel source. Make a run for the border, indeed!
