There’s a very fine line between religion and cult. Like the difference between tight pants and skinny jeans, it takes a keen eye to spot the oft-minute shadings of your spiritual clan well before the group orgy and blood sacrifice starts.
As theologians and cult enthusiasts of some renown, we’ve spent months infiltrating the top religions and bottom cults to pinpoint the nigh invisible line between a culturally acceptable spiritual organization and one your best friend is forced to call your mom about at 3 o’clock in the morning in a last, desperate plea to pull you out before the final Kool-Aid is consumed.
Whether you’re preparing to dial the number of your best friend’s mom, the leader of said questionable religious organization, or simply a spiritual hobbyist slowly being sucked into a group setting, here are ten signs your god club is really just a cult. Hey, we’re not judging. If you like wearing the dismembered head of a goat whilst dancing beneath the zodiac night around a fire made of copal with a bunch of naked strangers, more power to you. Just remember, you might be in a c**t.
Cover Photo: Netflix
10 signs your religion is cult
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1. You're Positive You're Not in a Cult
The first sign of being in a cult is not thinking you're in a cult.
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2. You Congregate in Your Living Room
Don't shit where you preach. Until you get out of your two-bedroom apartment, you'll always be one piece of real estate short of a religion.
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3. Your Promotional Material Is Hypnotic
Are you employing brainwashing techniques in your promo videos? Come on, be honest. Hypnotic imagery doesn't just happen by accident, dude.
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4. You Indoctrinate Babies
Peppa the Pig is a cult.
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5. You Worship Crystal Skulls
Formless crystals are one thing. But as soon as you get into the shaped-like-a-skull bracket, your Saturday meetup club is most likely an off-brand faith.
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6. Masks Are Involved
You already know about the mask thing. We talked about this. While some cultures in Mali and the Congo incorporate masks into rites and rituals, if your name is Larry and you drive Uber on weekends, odds are you'll be hard-pressed to convince anyone that your outdoorsy assembly is a fully-fledged religion. But hey, we're rooting for you though, Larry.
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7. You Dance More Than 20 Percent of the Time
Dance yourself to the dictionary and look up the word "cult" because that's what you're in.
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8. You Look Like This Guy
Take a good, long look in the mirror.
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9. You Have Sex With Every New Recruit
Again. Take a good, long look in the mirror.
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10. You Don't Have Special Tax Status
Spiritual undertakings are infinitely personal, filled with a multitude of experiences, and are rarely done by the book. Except in the case of the Bible, the Koran, the Torah...OK, scratch that. However, even if you have a holy scripture you may still be operating a cult. (Just look at Dianetics and The Book of Mormon.) Therefore, seek one book that matters above all others when it comes to proving your religious authority: The IRS Book of Religious Tax Exemptions. If you want to be a real religion, you don't need a god, you just need tax-exempt status.
