Billionaire and world-class fuckboy Elon Musk seems hell-bent on alerting the world to his boredom and the great lengths (and expenditures) he will go to in order to keep the news cycle all about him. His hostile takeover of Twitter to the tune of $44 billion in the name of “free speech” has caused many to question his motives. In other words, why in the hell is Elon doing this and what are his long-term plans?
We put together this helpful guide on what Elon Musk may do now that he’s the proud owner of a totally useless social media platform.
Cover Photo: SUZANNE CORDEIRO / Contributor (Getty Images)
Elon Musk Plans After Buying Twitter
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1. Uses Position to Bargain With Trump For Political Power
Every sane American's biggest fear is that Elon will reinstate former defeated President Trump's Twitter account. But an even bigger concern is that Elon uses his newfound Twitter purchase as leverage to obtain state secrets from Trump in exchange for 45 to be able to poop tweet incoherent and petty old man rants every second of the day.
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2. Buys and Disables Facebook
Even though Facebook is a stanky piper's pit of misinformation, it's still the most used social media site. So one has to wonder if Elon will buy Facebook next only to immediately disable it.
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3. Brings Back Banned Members and QAnon Loons
Elon claims his decision to buy Twitter was all about preserving free speech, but chances are content moderation is not something he's ever thought about. So bring on the garbled death threats, unhinged and poorly-written conspiracies, and QAnon shaman!
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4. Uses Political Power to Cage Fight Putin to the Death
So nobody has questioned the possibility of Elon buying Twitter to achieve enough political power to have a cage match with Putin to the death. It could be streamed on Netflix and help the digital streaming giant make up for its recent losses. Also, it would end the war in Ukraine so that's a nice bonus as well.
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5. Eradicates the Human Race
Now here's a plan that nobody has thought about but really should. Elon could be plotting to takeover the human race and, even more sinister, reveal he's not actually a human. This super douchey robot will have anyone who opposes him destroyed by an army of AI Tesla transformers. Everyone else will just be implanted with replacement therapy.
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6. Disables Twitter, Forces Us All to Use LinkedIn
Elon's newfound ownership is already causing many to delete their accounts, forcing them to take the poison pill of using Facebook. But what if Elon disables Twitter altogether? That would mean we might all be forced to actually use LinkedIn. We don't know about you, but having to pretend to give a crap about some random connection and their promotion at Taco Bell seems worse than pretending to give a crap about their baby photos on Facebook.
