Inflation blows, plain and simple. We can’t buy an avocado without consulting our bank account first.
With inflation at 40-year highs and corporate greed soaring to new heights in penis-shaped rockets, workers are taking their shot requesting raises. And they’re doing so more than ever before to offset the higher cost of living. If the pandemic has taught us anything about the workplace, other than how pointless going into the office is, it’s the price of putting on pants.
And yet, your boss will go to great lengths not to give you a raise, citing any number of hilarious excuses.
From Amazon and Apple to Starbucks and Steve (the lawn boy), people who actually want to work these days are rallying their way into unions. This unprecedented time might have you wondering why the hell you’re not cashing in. Besides jacking up their hourly pay, folks want better healthcare (that’s a thing?) and more vacation time. You know, something to heal the pain of going to a place that makes you die inside every day.
Pay attention to some of these half-assed red-flag excuses you might hear when the topic of money rears its fat, green head. Then take the opportunity to call bullshit on the man (or woman, we’re equal opportunity).
Let’s just see how far your boss is willing to bend over backward to avoid paying you more. Our guess is he will gladly herniate a disc or two.
Cover Photo: william87 (Getty Images)
Employer Excuses For Not Giving Raises
-
1. I have to disagree with you on this one.
You somehow have to respect an employer for being so lazy -- and entitled -- that simply doing the paperwork necessary to help you eat three meals a day is too much for them. It kind of sucks that you have to work for someone so freaking unmotivated while simultaneously telling you to hustle, but at least they're an honest employer.
-
2. You're welcome to look elsewhere.
Most employers can't afford to lose a good employee, you know, the people who actually show up to work instead of living off the government. They're praying you don't leave for greener pastures but they'll definitely float the idea if it keeps your Stockholm Syndrome fresh.
-
3. You're not being a 'team player.'
Most white collar bosses love playing golf; it gives them an opportunity to plan white-collar crime out in the fresh air. It's your job to make sure you feign enough enthusiasm over the rich white guy sport if you want to be able to pay your insanely high rent.
-
4. What if we did a fun work trip instead?
There's nothing worse than imposing your need for sustenance and shelter over your boss's need to vacation in the tropics. How selfish and unappreciative can you be? But really, your ability to meet out of control inflation and the high cost of living shouldn't get in the way of their summer vacays in Bermuda.
-
5.. Uhh...climate change?
Even if your employer doesn't believe humans are causing climate change, they don't mind using the inevitable future destruction of the planet as an excuse not to give you a raise in the present moment. That, and climate change is kind of the best excuse to not do all sorts of things. Unless you're doing your own research.
-
6. Would you accept Bitcoin instead?
In no time at all, you'll likely have some crypto-bro preaching the ungodliness of actual money and its obsolescence. And while they would be making a solid argument, long-term macro-forecasts on the state of paper currency doesn't help pay off your 20 different credit cards in the here and now.
