McDonald’s Adds New Pastries to Breakfast Menu ‘Cause What America Needs Is More Diabetes

These days, it’s hard to get going in the morning. The news is awful. Climate change is killing nature. Coronavirus is keeping us in our homes (if we’re lucky) or in the hospital (if we’re not). We don’t blame anyone for turning to sweet treats as a reward for just waking up every day and giving life their best effort. But maybe, just maybe, McDonald’s isn’t where should look for your breakfast of champions.

For the first time in a decade, Mickey D’s is adding new pastries to its breakfast menu. Spoiler alert: they’re all bad for you. Starting Oct. 28, McCafé will be dishing up apple fritters, blueberry muffins, and cinnamon rolls. Because what Americans need now is diabetes! Or, sorry, we meant a “break.” Because that’s what the PR spin doctors are calling it.

“We know our customers deserve a break now more than ever, and are excited to give them another reason to visit their favorite breakfast destination by offering delicious flavors they crave, any time of the day,” said Linda VanGosen, vice president of brand and menu strategy, in a statement.

The move is a pathetic attempt on the fast-food chain’s part to compete with venues like Wendy’s, which launched a sweet-and-salty breakfast menu this year that includes heart-attack-inducing items like the Breakfast Baconator and the Frosty-ccino.

Pro tip: when the experts said breakfast is “the most important meal of the day,” this really isn’t what they had in mind. You may be lovin’ it, but your body fat ratio isn’t.

Cover Photo: McDonald’s

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