Screenshot: YouTube
Everyone who is anyone knows that there is a porn parody of almost every television show and feature film out there. From the Simpsons to Family Guy and Scooby Doo to the The Avengers (the most searched of the porn parodies, according to Pornhub), porn has managed to savagely butcher the cinematic magic of almost every Hollywood script that has ever lived. Some of the parodies I’m about to mention do a messier job of this than others.
Since I consider myself something of a porn aficionado (something most men would rather be kept secret, I instead embrace it, though I swear I don’t live in my parent’s basement nor have I ever watched a single Dr. Who episode) I’m going to share the most bizarre porn parodies to have ever existed.
While most of these should never have seen the light of day, many of these titles have actually experienced great success despite significantly low budgets, piss-poor acting, and writing that leaves much to be desired.
One thing these titles do all have in common, however, is that they’re hilarious — whether the humor is intentional or not. So if you’re ever on the hunt for a porno that seamlessly marries pornographic sleaze with satirical humor, I’ve got a list of porn parodies that have your name on them.
1. The Texas Vibrator Massacre
In this sexy take on the classic horror film, a group of friends pick up a strange hitchhiker after finding themselves lost in the sticks. This hitchhiker stabs and murders two of the teens, and chases the others toward sex with random mutants. You know, the usual stuff.
2. E.T. XXX
Let’s first state the obvious: ET is terrifying. Regardless of his atrocities, though, the thing gets laid. A lot. In this parody, a group of teens led by a loveable misfit house and help the oversexed alien find a way back to his home planet. The loveable creature, we find, is hung like a horse, drinks beer, and has an extra testicle, which is why the teens coin him “E. T.” (Get it? ET = extra testicle).
3. Edward Penishands
Tim Burton’s classic has been re-imagined in the most obvious and pornographic way possible: They switched his scissorhands to penises. The porn’s plot doesn’t differ much from the original either — well, aside from the penis as hands thing.
A door-to-door dildo saleswoman stumbles upon Edward and decides to bring him home where he eventually falls in love with her daughter. See? Same thing, more or less. If there’s one scene you must watch, it’s when Eddy eats spaghetti at the dinner table. It is, without a doubt, the greatest scene of the entire film.
4. Sailor Poon: A XXX Interactive Parody
Starring adult industry heavyweights Asa Akira and Lexi Belle, Sailor Poon is an interactive porn experience that allows viewers to select their sailor scout (Moon, Mars or Mercury) and interact with them however you wish courtesy of the flick’s POV perspective. I have to admit, there is very little you can’t choose to do to these girls.
5. Strokemon
Again, stating the obvious: Dickachu is a thing of nightmares. In this parody (one that doesn’t even pretend to take itself seriously), Gash, Fisty and Brock (who share a healthy friends with benefits relationship) are fiercely in pursuit of the horniest Strokemon of all. The flick’s punny catchphrase: “Gotta Bang ‘em All!” suggests there is a lot of banging, which is to be expected.
6. Mighty Muffin Pounder Rangers
Here to ruin your childhood is yet another parody that refuses to take itself seriously. The Mighty Muffin Pounder Rangers — whose zords are sex toys and morphers are condoms — adorn uniforms that are emblazoned with dicks and must fight off the evil Goldong, who’s been summoned by none other than space witch Rita Repussy.
7. Donald Tramp: The XXX Parody
Complete with ridiculous hair and signature orange face is the Donald Trump-themed porno you never needed. While the actor’s impression of the President-elect is terrible, the dialogue is hilarious, with gems like: “I love women. Except for the fat and ugly ones.”
8. Horat: The Sexual Learnings Of America For Make Beautiful Benefit Of Kaksuckistan
Filmed in its iconic documentary style comes Horat, an immigrant from “Kaksuckistan,” a land known for its sexual prowess, who’s on a mission to explore America and its women with his top-notch sexing skills, which he unleashes on many of our nation’s top porn stars. And don’t worry, a predictably terrible accent is included.
9. Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles
A horny dude who worked at the nuclear power plant shot his radioactive load into a sewer which rained all over four turtles and eventually these turtles grew “especially in the lower shell area.” This is the actual origin story, I kid you not. Along with sexy reporter April O’Neil, these four hung turtles must battle Spreader, the head of the Footjob Clan.
10. NOT The Cosbys XXX
At least in this adaptation the sex was consensual.
Honorable mentions
- Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String
- The XXXorcist
- Schindler’s Lust
- Tits A Wonderful Life
- Not the Bradys XXX
- A Tale of Two Titties
- Everybody Does Raymond
- Pulp Friction
